GrimEnders - Lucky Heather

EastEnders on BBC1. Time after time I ask myself, Why do I even watch this programme? It's probably because it's comfortable, I'm in a rut and there's nothing else on.

EastEnders is a long running continuous soap opera often likened to Twitter in that it tries to convey a pointless message using 140 characters.

Okay, that was maybe a bit harsh, but boy, is this show grim. Set in a fictional borough of London called Walford, a long standing character called Pat Evans recently died of cancer, another character called Tanya is due to die of cancer and if rumour is true, hapless Heather (pictured above) is due to get grisly murdered. Yep, it's all fun in this show! It's best to watch with Prozac and a hearty supply of alcohol near by.

When getting home from a bad day at work, it's always nice to be presented with the line, 'Life's rubbish and then you die'. Yes, that's just the pick-me-up I need to face the World tomorrow.

Despite all of this, somehow I'm still addicted to EastEnders so I will probably watch it what ever they write regardless. The only light I gain is from the comedy characters that drift in and out. Heather is currently my favourite. Obviously the writers have finally caught wind of this. They've noticed the one bright light in the morbid darkness they've somehow allowed to creep into the show, so have arranged poor George Michael obsessed Hev to get murdered. Cheers.

When actress Cheryl Fergison found out she was to be written out of the programme she hoped to exit EastEnders in a nice way. She hoped her character's idol, George Michael, would turn up and they'd go on tour for a few years.

But this is EastEnders isn't it?

I think she is brutally murdered in her flat with bad boy Ben fleeing the scene covered in her blood. I may not be Sherlock Holmes, but I think he's guilty. He used to be such a nice lad into West End Shows and Ballet dancing. Oh well, now he's a cold blooded murderer.

Fun, Fun, Fun....

The show is on 4 times a week, but I'm just about to watch the Omnibus edition. Please get ready to talk me down from the roof.

Old Comedy in Musical Remix Format

There have been many comedy sitcom shows over the years I have enjoyed. The Young Ones, Blackadder, Red Dwarf, Father Ted, Black Books, The Green Wing, Only fools & Horses, Bottom, The Mighty Boosh, The IT Crowd and of course, Panorama.

I've recently rekindled my memories of these fabulous shows by watching clips and episodes on YouTube. The videos I like the most are those where some clever music DJ bod has somehow managed to edit the clips into some cool trance techno dance tune... well, after you've filtered out the rubbish ones. And most of them are rubbish. Very rubbish. Put together by a fool with the talent of a walnut.

However, here are my two favourites. i.e. the brilliant ones. Pure genius.



The above is mixed from The Mighty Boosh and the below from my favourite episode of Bottom of all time, GAS MAN !!!!!



All I can say is, "You Must Drink Our Teeeeeeeeaaaaaa...

Bubblegum Forever

When you're casually walking anywhere as a pedestrian these days, if you glance at the pavement you'll probably see quite a lot of roughly circular white or discoloured splodges about the place.

What are these then? There are loads everywhere. They're on pavements, train platforms, lamp posts, old women's legs, everywhere ! Where are they coming from?

Well... they're spat out bits of bubble or chewing gum aren't they. Attractive. Lovely. Or to put it more accurately, 'Completely disgusting!'

We were taught as kids not to swallow bubblegum so what do people do? That's right, just spit it out onto the street. People do not seem to be able to just wrap the used gum into a piece of paper and put it in the nearest bin. Oh no, that's way too difficult. Out onto the pavement it goes.

I think we should draw a line. I think we should employ special wardens to combat this gross behaviour. Bubblegum Wardens. When they notice someone releasing their used and disgusting gum, they should hit them over the head with a Cricket Bat. TWACK! Firm, but fair. It's the only way they'll learn... possibly.

Bubblegum was invented in 1928 and people have been spitting it out ever since. The vast majority of bubble and chewing gum does not biodegrade. It stays there... forever. After 50 years we should place a blue Commemorative plaque on some of the splodges. "Here sits a diseased riddled gum glob, spat out by a fat bloke in 1942. Visit out gift shop."

At some point in the future Nike and others will invent special expensive shoes specifically designed for walking on bubblegum. Trains will be adapted to hover over it all for fear of getting stuck... although it probably won't improve the service.

Long after the Human-race has gone, when Aliens finally discover this planet, they will find a sticky world completely coated in bubblegum. If they're into Text speak, they will say WTF!

The World is doomed. Not by Nuclear fallout or global warming, but by bubblegum.

Guilty pleasures - Top Trumps

Everyone has something. Everyone has something they are addicted to. Their guilty pleasure. There is seemingly no logic to it. It makes you feel happy so you return to your secret addiction time & time again.

As long as it isn't harmful to your health, then hey, go for it. Bad addictions are Alcohol, Crack Cocaine and Temple Run. Stay away from these or the BIG THREE as they are sometimes known.

Well, my guilty pleasure is the game of Top Trumps. Did you guess?

It's not just for kids. It's educational. That's what I keep telling myself and it's true. It is. It definitely is. Yeah. Shut up. It is.

How else would I have learnt that a Peregrine Falcon can fly at 200mph or the gestation period for a Camel is 15 months? How else would I have known how tall Daley Thompson is or if Mother Doomfinger was more intelligent than Doctor Who? You see, I wouldn't have. These are all very important pieces of information. Very important.

Top Trumps is a game where each player is dealt an equal number of cards. Player one selects one category on the card out of normally 5. The highest score wins. For example, Michael Jackson: Dance Skills 100, Boris Johnson: Dance Skills 2.. Jackson wins, winning player takes both cards. Should Player 2 win the round, then they choose the next category on the next card. The game ends when one player has amassed all the cards.

Below is Darth Vader verses Roger Black... although I think 2 packs of cards may have got mixed up.



More packs are being added all the time at http://www.toptrumps.co.uk/ , so you're bound to find some subject you're interested in. I'm personally hanging out for Bond Girls. Erm, for educational purposes again.

Did I tell you that the Moon is 384,402 Km away from London? Well it is. Share a cab to reduce the fare.



For more information about the wonderful game of Top Trumps & new releases follow them on Twitter & on their Facebook page.

It's fun. It's educational. It's not just for kids !

Rail Fares - How Much? I don't want to BUY the Train !!!

About a couple of years ago when I had to make the choice between Rail or Bus travel to get to work, I opted for the Train. Rail was a little more expensive, but a bit quicker and also more convenient. The Liverpool Street/Southend line was generally pretty reliable so it made sense.

A year went by, then National Rail increased the monthly fare by an inflation busting 8%. I couldn't believe it, but paid the increase anyway. They said it was for much needed improvements and upgrades to the service.

Over the next 12 months, there were no noticeable improvements that I could see. I think passengers had just been fobbed off. Operators knew they would pay anyway. The train would arrive, occasionally with graffiti down the side, inside the same threadbare seats. Nothing changed whatsoever.

Then the following year... another increase. Again, way above the rate of inflation. 6% !!!

Anyway, I took it from them again. My monthly fare, now just to travel daily about 6 miles and back, was £88.40. I complained about it on Facebook & Twitter, but didn't take any real positive action. I was just venting. I was in a comfortable rut.

Then the day that was probably for the best....

I was waiting at the Train Platform. "The 8:16 is running approximately 6 minutes late," the tannoy said, "We apologise for the late running of this train."

Fine, it happens I thought. 6 minutes changed to 12 minutes, 12 to 20, 20 to 30, then they announced the train had been cancelled. It was a cold day. I was not pleased. I was now going to be late in.

"The 8:56 is running approximately 6 minutes late. We apologise for the late running of this train.

What?

Well anyway, eventually they announced the reason that no trains were coming or in fact were ever going to come in the next few hours was a Train had actually broken down and was blocking the track. Why didn't the hell they say this in the first place ???? Simple. They weren't bothered.

I walked to the Bus stop and caught the next Bus. I asked the driver, "How much would a monthly ticket be?".

"£39," he replied.

"Can I buy this on the Bus directly?"

"Yes".

I now felt a bloody idiot for not switching over earlier. Fate had finally pushed me in the much needed direction.

So from February 9th I'm giving the Bus a try. It's going to take slightly longer to get in and back each day, but I can't ignore a monthly saving of £49.40. A staggering reduction of 44%. That's just ridiculous. Why is Rail travel in the UK so expensive?

Farewell Stink Train !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Facebook - People you may know ?

When it comes to Social Networking sites, I frequent them quite a lot of the time. Maybe way too much time actually. Whether it be Facebook or Twitter, I'm often seen wasting my dwindling precious free hours reading what's going on in the world and what antics people are generally getting up to. Most the time it's complete drivel to be honest, but it keeps me out of trouble. That's good.

I mention just Facebook and Twitter because although I've made early attempts with the new Google+, as of yet, it just isn't happening for me. I feel I'm at an empty Night Club awkwardly dancing to music I didn't like in the first place... and well, Myspace is more run down than the Greek economy.

Anyway, the subject of this blog entry. The feature on Facebook which most confounds me time & time again is this 'People You May Know'.

The idea is, Facebook scans everyone in your friends list, then matches your list to everyone in all your friend's friends lists to see who you're 'Not' currently friends with who you may still somehow know. It's that simple. Get it? No?

Well, you're logged onto Facebook. You click on 'People you may know'. A list of people comes up running down the page.

Marjorie Winklespoon - You have 37 Mutual friends.

Who?

You've never met her before in your life. You think and you think. You squeeze your brain for every inch of it's full operating power. Who is this mystery person? 37 of your other friends know her well, but somehow you've never seen her. Who the bloody hell is Marjorie Winklespoon? Where were you when everyone else met her? Were you on holiday? Were you locked in the bathroom? What? Where? What's going on?

Gary Parsnip, 18 mutual friends know him. Some random girl in a bikini, 18 know her as well. What? How is this even possible? Do these mystery people see you coming along then all jump behind the nearest lamppost or something?

Hang on. I've just had a Friend Request from Marjorie Winklespoon. Accept or Ignore?

Ignore.